Why Did You Doubt?
Storm clouds formed over the waves as a sticky sea breeze whipped at my hair. The shore had all but cleared now. I recognized the back of the only other person sharing the company of the sea with me. My mother stood just close enough to allow the waves to lap at her feet. I wondered if she knew I was behind her. My voice had no chance of reaching her over the thunderous crashing and the whipping wind. I hesitated to interrupt the thoughts in her mind at that moment, but the threatening roar from the sky urged me to accompany her home to the rental house we shared. As the thunder picked up, I hadn't noticed the lack of crashing waves. As I drew nearer to her, I noticed a sudden shift in her body language. She stood rigid, face stunned with terror, eyes fixed on the sea. Following her gaze, I saw what caused my heart to sink in my chest, blocking my ability to breathe. A tidal wave, rising to a height of my greatest nightmare, towered over us. I did not have the chance to make my mother aware of my presence before she turned and darted inland. She'll never make it! I thought, panicked, I’LL never make it! Turning back to face the wave, a voice spoke into my heart. “The only way is through.” I'll either survive this or I won't, I thought, and I inhaled as deeply as one would inhale knowing it could quite possibly be their last. I braced for impact, and then...
Darkness consumed me. I was swirling in it uncontrollably. I wanted to swim to the surface, but I didn't know which direction that was. I reached my right hand as far overhead as I could, but the breath in my lungs was weakening. I could not fight the tunnel vision beginning to swallow me. The pull was forceful. I felt the hope of the water’s surface nearing. I felt the pressure easing, the light brightening, then- air.
I jumped back into reality, sitting on my son’s bed with his book of bible stories open in my lap. His sweet voice came from my left, "Why did you stop reading, Mommy?" I looked down at the page with a cartoon image of fishermen on the sea and the words: "Why didn't you trust me?" The words echoed in my head as Jesus repeated them to me. “Why didn't you trust me?” Of course, I knew the story, “Oh, you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Somehow, I never made the connection. With a hastened end to the story and a kiss goodnight, I left my son's room; his book of bible stories tucked under my arm.
In the privacy of my own bedroom, I pulled up the writings from the night of the dream five months ago. I woke that morning confused but convinced that it was not an ordinary dream. It was the kind of dream you write down, even if it meant absolutely nothing to you at the time.
It was dated January 20th. The date struck me as it was mere days before the first of two tragedies struck our family on my mother’s side. Death snatched her brother in the night, unexpectedly and unexplained. A loss like that could cause anyone to lose their footing, like a strong undertow or a forceful wave. She was on that shore too...
I took the wave full-force. The tragedy looming in my future came a few months after January 20. It was April 30th, to be exact, when the second tragedy struck our family. Since then, I had been metaphorically drowning in grief and depression. I was sinking into the trap, so many in their suffering have gone down before me. I am a burden. I am unloved despite the amount of love I poured out. Loving others only gets me where I am now- lost and grieving. No one understands. No one cares. These were the lies that swirled me back and forth in the darkness, making it impossible to fight my way to the surface.
Going back to the book of bible stories, I read the words again. I felt Jesus’ hand pulling me out of the water; the water’s surface was near. He sent me this dream knowing what was to come. Even if no one else cared, He did. He came after me to pull me out of my despair, and set me on top of the water. It was then that I took my first true steps on my walk with Jesus.
(Look for the sequile to this story titled April 30th)