April 30th
“It’s been three years,” I said to Him, standing hand and hand with me on the shores of the same waters that once consumed me. My eyes were fixed on the waves, luring me in with their dance.
“I delivered you from there.” He said in almost a warning tone, but I did not take my eyes off the ocean.
“It's just this day…” I said more to myself. I took a few steps forward, as far as our arms would allow. I heard Him say something but I wasn’t listening. Just a few more steps would allow my feet to be immersed. It's just for today, I told myself again. Just a… few… more…steps.
Darkness rolled overhead the moment my hand slipped out of His. The enemy’s lies surrounded my senses. “You’re all alone.” “No one cares about you.” “You’re a terrible mom.” “Your friends only tolerate you.” “Don’t bother reaching out to anyone. They have real problems.” “You thought you were past this.” They pecked at me like birds. With arms over my head, I turned to see Him standing on the shore. A wave smacked at my back, alerting me to the fact that the undertow had taken me shoulder-deep in the ocean. Another wave crashed over me. I surfaced to catch my breath as more lies swooped down on me.
I found myself exactly where I was three years ago. The ocean of anger, isolation, and self-hatred. My will to survive was waning fast. Between the rise and fall of waves, I caught a glimpse of Him standing on the shore, and I realized this was all my fault.
“I’m sorry, Lord!” I cried out between crashes of waves. “I left you. You told me not to go here, and I didn't listen.” Another wave crashed over me. I sputtered the salty water and continued, “I let go of your hand and was instantly attacked. Save me, Jesus! Bring me back under your refuge!” Another wave crashed and swirled around me. Orienting myself was becoming troublesome. I began to wonder if he would grab my hand like he did before. He did not, but I managed to find the surface once again. Wiping the salt water from my eyes, I saw him. He was no longer on the shore but standing on the water in front of me. He did not grab my hand, but extended His in invitation. “Come.” He said.
I hesitated, unsure I could move, but at the first attempt at a step, I found myself standing on the waves like He was. I took another step. And another. Tears continued to flow the closer I got. My heart began to ache for His warm embrace. He was saying something. The same words I faintly heard Him saying on the shore:
“I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall ever be in my mouth.
Let my soul glory in the Lord;
The lowly will hear me and be glad.
Glorify the Lord with me.,
Let us together extol his name!
I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him that you may be radiant with joy;
And your faces may not blush with shame.
When the poor one called out the Lord heard,
And from all his distress he saved him.
The angels of the Lord encamp around those who fear him,
And delivers them.
Taste and see how good the Lord is!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
At these words, I finally reached Him. I fell into his arms, praising Him. “Thank you, Lord!” I cried into His chest. Feeling sand under my feet I opened my eyes to find we were back on the shore. I dropped to my knees at his feet and bowed my head. “I'm sorry,” I sobbed. “I know I walk away sometimes, but I don't mean to.”
“You know how to come back to me now.” He said taking my face in His hands and lifting me to stand. When He wiped my tears I found a deep breath I didn't know I needed. I was never so grateful to be able to breathe.
“You delivered me from that once before,” I said, breathing more steadily now. “I didn't mean to go back there. I don't ever want to go back to that again.”
“No,” He agreed, wrapping a towel around my shoulders, “That is certainly not my will for you. I never want to see my children in despair.” He put his arm around me, and I turned to watch the ocean side-by-side with Him again.
Staring at the ocean, still churning with rage, I remembered why I went in there in the first place; who I was chasing in there. "Lord…” I fumbled for my words, “Teach me how to allow room for my grief; to acknowledge these waves without them taking me under.”
He took me by the hand and walked me closer to the water. “We do it together.” He said stopping just at the shoreline. The once raging waters now gently lapped at our feet. “Stay with me, and I will give you the grace to remember him without going under again. You know now that without me, you will drown. But with me, you can walk on water.”
We stood in silence for a while until I noticed more clouds looming in the distance. “There’s another storm coming, isn't there?” I asked, looking expectantly at Him. He just shrugged. “But I have you now,” I said, turning back to square off with the sea.
He squeezed my hand and said, “Just don’t let me go.”